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Pregnancy Is Bullshit

15 Jan

So, I am just going to pick up right where I left off over a year ago. I will blame my hiatus on having nothing left to goddamn say. I knew that I would someday, once again, have some crap to spew. Then one day, that day being today, for the same no good reason that Forrest Gump’s run began, I just felt like blogging. Here we go…

It was a hot and sweaty Sunday evening in August, and I was in a drunken stupor stumbling into my house from the 98 Degrees concert. All in all, the show was as I  expected it to be: Ryan Cabrera was desperately pleading with the largely late-20’s female audience to PM him on Instagram about meeting up in his suite after the show (he ignored my condescending PM, rude), and then a washed-up boy band that wasn’t *NSYNC tried to put on a performance whilst sporting bullet proof vests with nothing underneath. Again, it was exactly as you would expect: shitty. So, got home, I think (hope) my husband was home, and boom, here I am in January 2017, 5.7 months pregnant and Arnold Schwarzenegger has replaced Donald Trump on The Apprentice. So yeah, the night of 98 Degrees I think. Regardless of when it happened, it feels a little more immature relying on Plan B when you’re three years into your marriage, so that is how I got into this predicament. I never knew the song On the Way Down to be an aphrodisiac, but there was alcohol involved, and alas, here I am, waiting for that familiar feeling of an involuntary twitch that reminds me my unborn son, who does not yet have flesh, is moving around in my uterus. And that last sentence brings me to my first point:

Pregnancy is weird and not very fun at all.

I will preface this with the fact that I am very grateful to be pregnant. I know that some women struggle with infertility and then there are assholes like me who get knocked-up the first time the pull-out method remotely fails. I am aware of how lucky I am to be be carrying this baby boy and words can’t express how excited I am to meet him in a few months. But regardless of all that, pregnancy kind’ve sucks and it’s also very weird sometimes. Weird because there is a creature with saggy skin and a white film covering stealing all of your nutrients. Sucky because your body is not yours to beat up anymore. So many moms out there who have had terrible pregnancies will probably hate me right now for complaining because I have had the easiest pregnancy EVER. No vomiting. No bloating. No food aversions. No weird cravings. Oh, and one thing other moms really hate hearing is that I have not gained a single pound (but, we all know it’s coming). Seriously, the disdain in the voices of post-pregnant women, “You’re so tiny”, they remark through gritted teeth, white knuckling whatever object is in reach. Listen, my metabolism has sucked since 05, and I am not tiny as a non-pregnant person so I DESERVE THIS!

Anyways, my main complaint about pregnancy is how mother effing bored I am ALL THE TIME. Well-meaning women advise me to read a book (no concentration), get a hobby (drinking – errr….). I can’t do any of the physical things that I pretend to do when I check into the gym. Can’t ice skate for the first time in 16 years. Can’t take mushrooms in a sauna at the Y. It’s a sobering, dull time.

My second complaint about pregnancy is that whenever I make that first complaint about boredom, veteran moms give me an evil cackling sort of laugh and exclaim, “JUST WAIT!!!!!”, before their witchy faces melt off in a weird fit of rageful bitterness and they shrink back into their Subaru hatchbacks (probably). Which leads me to my next point…

Other parents love to be negative to expectant moms.

One of the strangest things about being pregnant is how excited (some) current parents seem to be to tell expectant moms how much misery they are in for. Like, there is a twinkle in their eyes when they tell me that I am going to get peed on by another human (which in itself is a weird thing to be giddy about telling another person). When I’m not being told about my acceptance into the Golden Showers of America club, everyone loves to tell me how bored I won’t be ever again because “kids are a lot”. Oh. I didn’t know that. I thought I could just buckle the baby onto an uncomfortable wooden chair, give it some trail mix and run errands until lunchtime. I think this phenomenon of being absurdly negative to new moms is just a made-up rite of passage that some veteran moms partake in to make themselves feel better by way of venting. But jeez, guys, I’m sober and miserable enough! Also, if you’re so miserable with all of your kids, then why do you have like 17 of them?

Also…

Wedding registries are fun. Babies registries are not. 

Not much else to say other than during my wedding registry I was skipping through Macy’s with the scanner and visions of all the brunches I would be hosting with my new serve-ware. A baby registry just consists of me walking through Babies R Us, reminding my husband to pretend to care about nipples that are not human nipples, but nipples that go on top of a bottle, and stopping every four feet to Google things like, “will this Graco 5000xp 10 speed kill my baby?”, and “is this diaper bag going to kill my soul?”. It’s less fun to pick out gifts when a fetus is depending on you.

Anyways, that’s what I have been up to. Human growing. Or maybe alien growing (check out that ultrasound). Maybe it will inspire some writing?

screen-shot-2017-01-14-at-9-47-42-pm

The truth is out there…

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One Response to “Pregnancy Is Bullshit”

  1. William tells all January 15, 2017 at 5:45 pm #

    BE SURE TO GET A DIAPER GENIE. Best thing since sliced bread.

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