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Swinging Doors and Parakeets Don’t Mix

3 Feb

Once upon a time, I thought it was a good idea to get the kids a pet.  One pet would be lonely, so of course we needed 2.  I decided parakeets would be a great choice.  Less work than dogs but more enjoyable than fish.  Rookie mistake.  They are loud and they don’t want to be handled by kids (like most intelligent animals).  We would take them out and let them sit on our shoulders and fly around.  Andrew (4 at the time, 8 now) named them Bembie and Kah (pronounced the way you say the sound for the letter K).  One was blue and one was green and I can’t remember which was which.  What I do remember was that the green one was an ass and would bite you anytime you tried to handle him but the blue one was great.

Like any great children’s story, someone dies by the end of this.  Don’t believe me, read The Juniper Tree.   I had to stop reading it halfway through to the kids because it is so messed up.

One beautiful day we were playing with our delicate birds.  At the time, we had a swinging door that was propped open and the birds had flown and perched on top of it.  Andrew walked over and pushed the door to make them fly back down. The green bird managed to escape but the blue birds reaction time was a bit too slow.  The door slammed shut…the birds head was wedged on one side and…the body on the other.

It all happened so fast!  We had to get him out of there so my husband pushed the door back open.  That bird was a fighter.  It tried it’s damn hardest to fly but couldn’t.  It started to expel fecal matter and urinate everywhere.  I’m talking total and complete loss of bowel and bladder.  I picked him up and determined very quickly, he was not going to make it.

My husband said he could take him outside and “take care of it”.  I didn’t want him to become a bird killer (who knew I was such a bleeding heart) so I brought him to an emergency vet where he was euthanized for $10.  When the Vet was done he told me that he inspected the wound before putting the bird down and the spinal cord had been mostly severed.  His head was hanging on by a couple of ligaments and blood vessels.

I then went home and immediately re-homed our surviving parakeet.  After this incident, I have sworn off all birds!  We have kept two rabbits alive for over a year.

And all the other birds, not in our house lived happily ever after!  The end.

(If we are Facebook friends, there is a video of the burial…)

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To Multitask, or Tantrum? That is the Question

26 Jan
There are days when I feel like I’m rocking this whole life thing (far and few between). Then there are days (most of them) where I feel like a complete failure. What I’ve determined is that I’ll never be very good at anything because at the end of the day, each category of my life is getting about 10% effort. If I try and give more than that to any one thing, the other parts of my life decompose faster than a body in 100+ degree weather! I go to bed at night and in my head, just shit on myself for all the things I didn’t get done that day and how hopefully tomorrow will be better.  Motivational, I know.

Here’s an example: If I go to work, it’s a solid 13-14 hours on my feet and out of the house. I love my job but when I’m there, I am not doing the laundry, dishes, toy clean-up, etc. These stupid, mundane tasks need to be done constantly or your house looks like a tornado hit it. When I get home after midnight, and I’ve been up since 7am going hard all day long and the house is trashed, I want to cry. I am not a crier, so I don’t. Instead I get pissed off. I want to throw myself onto the floor and have a tantrum that would put my 3 year old to shame (I don’t do that either). Instead, I shower and in my mind, begin to prioritize what I will have to do the next day.

I have been exercising lately. Basically I said to myself screw it, I want out of this rat race of cleaning. It’s never going to be clean anyways and I’m sick of neglecting myself. Bad idea, now the house is worse than ever because I have been taking a lousy hour that I could be cleaning and devoting it to exercise.

If I ever decide to put in more time with the kids, a fun night at Chuck E Cheese perhaps, you guessed it, the stupid dishes are there mocking me when I get home. Not to mention, baths, showers, new clothes and now more LAUNDRY! While I’m typing this, I’m nursing my 1 year old (I’m done but apparently he’s not). I have to utilize my time to increase productivity but no matter how many ways I try and be more efficient, I’m still behind. I don’t even watch tv. The last movie I watched was at least 2 weeks ago.

And I can’t stand that crap online where people try to put things into perspective: “If you have dirty dishes at night, that means you’re eating food”. Bullshit. How about let me just wallow in self pity for 5 minutes while I try and think of a scenario in which I would be able to give 100% to any one thing, where the rest of my life doesn’t fall to pieces. What I’d really like to know is what people with out any children do with all of their time. I’m genuinely curious about all the wonderful life fulfilling amazing things they have time for while I’m over here scrubbing urine soaked toilets for the 900th time.  I’ve made my bed and now I’m stuck in the twilight zone (that’s the saying right?).

Note from Molly:

To answer your question, Deanna…here is what childless people do: basically whatever we want. My favorite thing to do on a weeknight is try out a new recipe, wait until exactly 7pm to guiltlessly uncork a bottle of red, then live-tweet anything on Bravo. While I am trolling whoever my least favorite Real Housewife is of the moment, I’ll also crack into some multigrain tortilla chips and fresh salsa. On weekends I enjoy going to dinner with a variety of friends that bring funny conversation to the table…but not TOO many funny friends because you can’t have people talking over each other. You need to catch it all. The goal is to get a nice buzz and not fake-laugh. You want the real laugh or you might as well stay home and live-tweet Dateline (there is nothing wrong with that). We also enjoy:

  • Brunching on Sundays, switching over to Bud Lights at 1pm
  • Going on hikes and quitting halfway through
  • Picking up an arts and crafts hobby and quitting before we get remotely good at it
  • Reading the comments sections of anything on the internet
  • Checking on Amanda Bynes semi-annually
  • Purchasing kimonos at Five Below, then complaining about the quality

God, why am I giving it all up?

Children: The Ultimate Creep Repellent!

25 Jan
If you know me, you know that I enjoy adult interaction because it’s nice to talk to other humans that aren’t children every once in a while. You also know (if you read my intro blog) that I am married with 4 children. Although I like to talk to people, I’m not trying to get any guys numbers.  Don’t get me wrong, if someone flirts with me, I take it as a compliment but I wouldn’t want them to waste their time.

When I was about 24, I went out to a country bar in Virginia with my friend Ambra. We were dancing and singing and just having an all around blast. We had a of couple guys come up and start dancing with us and we just tried to casually walk away. There was no shaking them. We went to the bathroom and hoped they’d be gone. We showed them our wedding bands and said that we are both married. They didn’t “believe” us. Like what the hell, we just go around wearing wedding bands for shits and giggles? We tried telling them we were lesbians (which was probably confusing for them after we had gone on and on about how married we were).  Basically we were trying to drop the hint that we were not into hanging out with dudes and they were NOT picking it up.  We finally escaped by leaving, which put a damper on the evening.

Flash forward to 2017. I recently went out with some friends to karaoke and we were having a great time! There was this one guy that was talking to me on and off. Again, I’ll talk to anyone but I don’t want to give off the wrong impression. So one of my friends just leans over and lends me a hand (it was great). She blurts out, “Can you believe she is married with 4 children?!”

Let me tell you, this is a fantastic way to weed out the men who just want to have a conversation versus the ones who are trying to sleep with you. This guys eyes grew larger than a snapchat filter could make them.  I then followed up with, “Yeah, you don’t want any of that. Four kids is A LOT.”  I shit you not, he said, “You’re right” and got up and left the bar!

My recommendation for anyone who would like to enjoy a night out with friends is to have a story in your back pocket about the basketball team of children you’ve popped out (even if you have no kiddos). It’s sure to deter most, if not all interest. Anddd if that doesn’t work and your feeling extra bold, just talk about how itchy your crabs are tonight (even if you don’t have those either).

A note from Molly: Deanna is right, this is a proven tactic. You’d just better hope the creep in your general vicinity doesn’t have a preggo fetish. While on a walk during my lunch break a few months back, a man in the Boston Common gave me a flower, followed by the creep eyes whilst licking his lips (each a bad move on their own, nevermind in combination). I responded with the ole “Wanna help me raise my baby?” and rubbed my belly, and he looked like he wanted to snatch his flower back. I put it on my desk as a reminder that I still got it.

Every Boy’s Favorite Toy

24 Jan

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From the moment that your parents find out you have male genitalia, they are faced with making a monumental decision! One that is permanent and lifelong. Circumcision. To do or not to do, that is the question, but what is the answer? As a parent, you can’t take this lightly. Many thoughts go through your brain. Ex: “Circumcision reduces the chance of STIs. Hmm, well I don’t even want to think about my newborn child one day having sex but I guess I don’t really want him to have a higher chance of catching something either. Circumcision reduces feeling. I don’t want to be responsible for my child’s sex life blahhh. If you don’t place the foreskin back after cleaning the smegma out, you could cut off circulation. Horrifying. Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure that could get botched and their penis could be permanently damaged. Shit. Oh and they could bleed to death. Great, no pressure.” Then you’ve got people going around with red paint on their crotches that make you feel shitty about possibly considering circumcision. Lots of googling and discussions, but at the end of the day, you just hope you made the right call.

Image courtesy of bayareaactivists.org

Image courtesy of bayareaactivists.org

As a 21 year old, inexperienced mother, I had no idea what to do with a boy. Although untrained, the one thing I had heard religiously was to make sure you cover them with something during a diaper change. Stores sell pee shields for this exact purpose. Ofcourse, the first diaper change home from the hospital, I made a rookie mistake. I’m taking out the wipes, my son starts screaming, and I say “It’s ok” in a soothing mom voice while hurriedly opening the new diaper. I look up and the poor kid is urinating directly into his face. I had to make a split second decision. Do I A. Block the pee with my hand (pee hands) B. Aim the penis into a different direction (spraying pee around the room)or B. Block the pee with the clean diaper I’m holding (ruining a perfectly good diaper)? I chose A. As a parent, you find out that you can catch all types of bodily fluids in your hands. After becoming a bit more seasoned in the art of parenting, I’ve found wipes work wonderfully to intercept vomit, feces and urine.

Another thing I had no clue about…baby boners. After overcoming the shock and strangeness, (again I was 21) it actually became a great indication that the boys were about to urinate. When my kids have asked me “Why is my doopy big right now”, (they know it’s called a penis but they also call it a doopy) I tell them they need to go pee.

Around 4-6 months, boys will inevitably reach down during a bath or diaper change and discover their penis. Once they do, there’s no stopping them. To clarify so you guys don’t think I’m a huge creep, I do not mean inappropriately touching themselves. I mean they just like to hold it. Maybe they are just checking to make sure it’s still there, who knows. Which is a problem when they are younger during poopy diaper changes ( if you aren’t quick, they get a handful of feces) and an embarrassment when they are older and can’t keep their hands off of it in public (picture the outfield of a t-ball game). My oldest once told me that he just needs to separate his doopy from his rocks (penis from the testicles).

From what I’ve seen with adults, this never changes. Whether men are playing pocket pool in public or going at it full monty in the privacy of their own home, try not to judge them. It’s something that has been very important to them since infancy.

This is not meant to offend anyone. I’m half joking, half serious!

Mom of Four: Enjoys warm hugs (nope) and personal space (what’s that?)

20 Jan

It’s 2351, the kids are all finally asleep and I should be getting 5 (myself included) sets of clothes, shoes, lunches etc ready for tomorrow or going to bed.  Instead, I’m neglecting my responsibilities to introduce myself to you, because who doesn’t enjoy procrastination? Hey everyone, my name is Deanna and I like warm hugs (Frozen reference). I actually dislike hugs and would rather fist bump because I like my personal space.

I have 4 little bundles of joy (8,6,3, and 1) that keep me quite busy. I was pregnant with my first at 20! I delivered my 2nd child in April, graduated nursing school in May and moved to Virginia in July (my husband was active duty in the Air Force).  My 20’s consisted of a pattern that alternated between breastfeeding and pregnancy. Actually, I’m  just finishing this cycle of breastfeeding!

Besides keeping my spawn alive, I am also a labor and delivery nurse. I practice what I preach and I love every minute of it!  In fact, I am so excited to converse with other adults that when I go to work, I basically don’t shut up.We moved back to Massachusetts a few years ago, just in time for that record breaking winter. Thanks for the welcome back New England! Lots of roof shoveling, snowblowing and ice dams!  As first time homeowners, I never even knew ice dams existed until we had one large enough to kill a grizzly bear (or the UPS guy) above our front door. Clearly we weren’t shoveling the roof enough.

As I approach 30 (gasp) part of me is sad (freaking out), and the other part is thinking I’m going to get my 30’s right!  I have goals for 30, where my 20’s were just winging it most days. A whole lot of trial, error and bodily fluids… but more on that later.  I don’t usually do anything big for my birthday but since I was 9 months pregnant on my 21st, I never celebrated the way most people do. I want to go out and let loose but I can’t picture myself doing shots until I can’t stand. I’ll probably end up forgetting to plan something anyways because I’m very easily distracted with my 900 kids (wait, I thought she said she had 4)…

Anyways, nice to meet you all!  I hope I can entertain you as much as Molly has!  And wow, I feel super narcissistic after writing so much about myself. Off to change the laundry over before it smells, and the floor isn’t going to sweep itself!

-Deanna

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