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Tag Archives: moms

To Multitask, or Tantrum? That is the Question

26 Jan
There are days when I feel like I’m rocking this whole life thing (far and few between). Then there are days (most of them) where I feel like a complete failure. What I’ve determined is that I’ll never be very good at anything because at the end of the day, each category of my life is getting about 10% effort. If I try and give more than that to any one thing, the other parts of my life decompose faster than a body in 100+ degree weather! I go to bed at night and in my head, just shit on myself for all the things I didn’t get done that day and how hopefully tomorrow will be better.  Motivational, I know.

Here’s an example: If I go to work, it’s a solid 13-14 hours on my feet and out of the house. I love my job but when I’m there, I am not doing the laundry, dishes, toy clean-up, etc. These stupid, mundane tasks need to be done constantly or your house looks like a tornado hit it. When I get home after midnight, and I’ve been up since 7am going hard all day long and the house is trashed, I want to cry. I am not a crier, so I don’t. Instead I get pissed off. I want to throw myself onto the floor and have a tantrum that would put my 3 year old to shame (I don’t do that either). Instead, I shower and in my mind, begin to prioritize what I will have to do the next day.

I have been exercising lately. Basically I said to myself screw it, I want out of this rat race of cleaning. It’s never going to be clean anyways and I’m sick of neglecting myself. Bad idea, now the house is worse than ever because I have been taking a lousy hour that I could be cleaning and devoting it to exercise.

If I ever decide to put in more time with the kids, a fun night at Chuck E Cheese perhaps, you guessed it, the stupid dishes are there mocking me when I get home. Not to mention, baths, showers, new clothes and now more LAUNDRY! While I’m typing this, I’m nursing my 1 year old (I’m done but apparently he’s not). I have to utilize my time to increase productivity but no matter how many ways I try and be more efficient, I’m still behind. I don’t even watch tv. The last movie I watched was at least 2 weeks ago.

And I can’t stand that crap online where people try to put things into perspective: “If you have dirty dishes at night, that means you’re eating food”. Bullshit. How about let me just wallow in self pity for 5 minutes while I try and think of a scenario in which I would be able to give 100% to any one thing, where the rest of my life doesn’t fall to pieces. What I’d really like to know is what people with out any children do with all of their time. I’m genuinely curious about all the wonderful life fulfilling amazing things they have time for while I’m over here scrubbing urine soaked toilets for the 900th time.  I’ve made my bed and now I’m stuck in the twilight zone (that’s the saying right?).

Note from Molly:

To answer your question, Deanna…here is what childless people do: basically whatever we want. My favorite thing to do on a weeknight is try out a new recipe, wait until exactly 7pm to guiltlessly uncork a bottle of red, then live-tweet anything on Bravo. While I am trolling whoever my least favorite Real Housewife is of the moment, I’ll also crack into some multigrain tortilla chips and fresh salsa. On weekends I enjoy going to dinner with a variety of friends that bring funny conversation to the table…but not TOO many funny friends because you can’t have people talking over each other. You need to catch it all. The goal is to get a nice buzz and not fake-laugh. You want the real laugh or you might as well stay home and live-tweet Dateline (there is nothing wrong with that). We also enjoy:

  • Brunching on Sundays, switching over to Bud Lights at 1pm
  • Going on hikes and quitting halfway through
  • Picking up an arts and crafts hobby and quitting before we get remotely good at it
  • Reading the comments sections of anything on the internet
  • Checking on Amanda Bynes semi-annually
  • Purchasing kimonos at Five Below, then complaining about the quality

God, why am I giving it all up?

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Back To School Advice For Moms

5 Sep

Every mom out there is pretty upset this week. Why? Because their baaaaabbieeeeeeesss are starting grades K-12. Time goes by so fast, doesn’t it? One minute you’re cuddling with your adorable toddler, and the next you are being verbally and emotionally abused by your oily skinned 15 year old. And then they are ignoring you and putting you in a home while you pay off their college loans. Yes, children are gifts from God. So it’s understandable that when they leave the nest to go to some establishment to play arts and crafts/drink apple juice that you moms get kind of teary eyed. As someone who has no children, I want to remind you that YOU ARE A PERSON, TOO. So after bawling your eyes out in your minivan while listening to Matty in the Morning in front of an elementary school like a crackpot, please try to remember that now you have “alone time”. Here are some things to do while your 6 year old is busy making macaroni necklaces:

1. Day drink: I bet you forgot what it was like to day drink. You have the whole day ahead of you to get a nice mimosa buzz, and sober up just in time for the yellow school bus to pull up on the corner. Call up some girlfriends who’s kids are also at school, pull the Cheerios out of your mane, put on some make up and a fresh pair of skinnies, and head to a nice place in town. I stress the word “skinnies” because if you show up in mom jeans, you’ll just feel worse.

2. Watch Maury: Nothing like watching complete trash determine paternity to make you feel less poor/alone. Just don’t day drink WHILE watching Maury. It will seal the deal on the intervention your husband is probably planning.

3. Make a macaroni necklace: Fuck it, your kids get to do it. If you can’t beat them, join them. Then one up them by making yours prettier. Perhaps add some color. Your kids will think it’s a funny joke, then proceed to feel bad that your necklace was effortless and still came out better. And there’s nothing funnier/more rewarding than one up’ing children.

4. Avoid reading 50 Shades of Grey: It’s for lonely housewives. And you, girlfraaaaand, are NOT a lonely housewife. You’re a desperate one. If you wanted porn, you’d watch it. You don’t need to waste your time reading it.

5. Take a pottery class: Isn’t that what bored moms do? But don’t be too stereotypical. Take a pottery class DRUNK.  Chalk it up to a midlife crisis or something. If you don’t like getting your hands dirty, take a Women’s Rights class. You go, guuurrrl! Just remember to be home in time to make your husband that meatloaf he requested. He procrastinates hard all day to earn more money than the women in his office!!!

6. Shop: Your husband works for a reason! Head to the mall and shop! And don’t even think about stepping foot into The Children’s Place. Those fuckers have enough clothes as it is. Not to mention, they outgrow everything in like 5 months.

7. Bonfire: Throw all your mom jeans into your minivan, along with some old Richard Simmons Sweatin’ to the Oldies VHS’s. Then light that shit on fire and watch it burn. Then buy a luxury sedan.

Congratulations. You’re a free bitch, baby.

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